8th April - late, 1795 -Little did I dare to hope when last I wrote that he might actually come here! I still do not know if I can quite believe the events of the last few hours, much less know how to record them here! But I say such things often, and always somehow find the necessary words – and this, of all afternoons, should not go un-noted.
He came. The infuriating, good-for-nothing, dear dear man came – and how my fears are now most assuredly allayed for good!
I remained in the room where last I wrote for a good few hours after I lay down my pen, although I cannot profess that the time was spent in any kind of industry. Elizabeth continued to scribble with great purpose, but I could not turn my mind to anything other than the confusion of the day before. There I sat, gaze fixed unseeingly out of the window as I lamented my unenviable position, and quite cursing the day I had ever set eyes on Nicholas Latimer, or, for that matter, Archie Kennedy. For all of this has come to pass from a chance encounter at the theatre! How differently, how unthinkably different my life would have been if not for that meeting – and how I wished at that moment to turn back the hands of time and have opportunity to alter all that has gone since!
As the clock struck three, Bet, alert to any need however small, brought some tea. I welcomed it most gratefully, having neither drunk nor eaten a mouthful since breakfast, glad too of the scones she had thoughtfully added to the tray. It appears that neither anger nor heartache can long quell my appetite! I thanked her heartily, taking the opportunity to ask her to remove Elizabeth to the nursery for her customary sleep at that time. My daughter was not greatly disposed towards this plan, and only a piece of cake would go any way towards convincing her of its necessity. Clutching her prize in one hand and a pen in the other she was finally carried from the room, although plaintive cries could still be heard for several minutes upon the staircase before peace, outwardly at least, reigned once more.
Returning to my repast I was once more interrupted, a knock sounding quite innocently at the door. Disinclined towards company, and fearing a confrontation with Alice, I did not bid them enter, hoping my silence would be taken as sign of absence. The sound came again however, and so, with great reluctance, I went to see who wished to speak with me.
“Bet let me in.” The greeting was, at least, straight and to the point, something not often the case where Nic is concerned. Unshaven and more than a little crumpled in attire, I would almost wager that he had not slept a wink the night previous, and I confess to a momentary flicker of satisfaction at seeing him thus.
“So I see.” I managed as coolly as I could, struggling valiantly against the desire to throw myself into his arms. “If you are looking for Alice--”
“Damn it, girl, it is you I wish to see.”
Such forthrightness quite silenced me for a long moment, and I sought refuge in the remains of the tea tray to hide my confusion.
“Would you care for a scone?” I enquired finally. “I am afraid there is only jam...”
“Come back with me.”
“I cannot.”
“Why?”“Because.” I began, struggling to fully voice my fears, “Because I do not think it would be a good idea.”
He came to me then, taking my hand in his; such a simple touch, yet more than enough to set my treacherous body aflame once more with both need and that feeling I have been foolish enough to liken to love.
“Ginny.”
“Nic, please...” my voice wavered alarmingly, and I was mortified to discover tears clouding my vision as I stared resolutely at the carpet. “I do not wish to be toyed with any longer...”
“For the love of Beelzebub, it's barely been a week since we first kissed!”
“You'd have had anyone else you wanted long before now. Do not deny it!”
“So because I choose to take my time for once, it must be because I would prefer another?”
“You love her.”
“That has nothing to do with--”
“Nothing to do with me? I know she has written to you. And I can well imagine what she has said.”
“A letter between neighbours is hardly to be considered a crime.”
“What has she done? Told you to keep away from me, or begged you back for herself?”
“You are behaving as a jealous child.”
“Answer me!”
“No.” came the firm reply. “I will not.”
“Then I see you have made your choice.”
“Yes I have.” Nic responded simply. “In coming here.”
I fell silent at that, battling between hope and caution. “I do not even know what your intentions are.”
“You know I can offer you nothing.”
This gave me pause, for in my haste to blame Alice for my unhappiness I had indeed allowed myself to forget the very existence of the woman who still bore his name. And he was right, for what can I hope to expect from Nic, when security, fidelity and perhaps even regard are none to be guaranteed?
“That does not concern me.” I informed him after a long moment.
“You say that now.” the tired response came as if from one who had made the same argument countless times before, and I wondered how many he had turned away with the well-rehearsed speech that was unfolding. If it were a test, I could but answer truthfully, and pray that my response would be enough.
“Yes I do.” I retorted. “And if my feelings on the matter should change, you will be the first to be informed of the fact.”
He closed his eyes briefly, and I watched the strong yet strangely delicate movement of his neck as he swallowed.
“Why did you come here?” I asked finally. “For I cannot tell now if it were to keep me or cast me aside with excuses.”
“You must cease this infernal nonsense over Lady Kennedy.” Nic informed me firmly, ignoring my question. “I will not answer to anyone, understand me, girl?”
I nodded meekly, ducking my head. For what else could I do?
He came to me then, turning my face up to his, gazing at me for a long moment before kissing me softly. Barely days since I had last been in his arms, but it felt as if a lifetime! I whispered his name, returning the kiss as fully as I dared, all the while expecting him to cast me aside again at any moment. He did not, thank heavens he did not; and I remained in his arms in quiet relief until yet another knock at the door interrupted the rare moment of tranquillity.
“You cannot be found here...” I hissed. My warning proved unnecessary however, as Nic, apparently used to such situations, had already flown across the room and secreted himself behind one of the drapes.
“What is it?” I called, trying to keep my voice as steady as I could.
“Sorry to intrude, Miss...” Bet murmured apologetically. “Just come to collect the tea things...”
She looked neither left nor right as she went about her business, and if she suspected the whereabouts of the visitor she had earlier admitted to the house she gave no sign. I thanked her and sent her on her way with as much haste as possible without giving further cause for comment, battling with the urge as I did so to beg her not to tell Alice!
The moment she had left I hurried to Nic's hiding place, unable to hold back a laugh of relief as he pulled me behind the drapes with him. Several moments were lost in becoming pleasantly reacquainted, his mouth and mine dancing together until the need for breath forced us to part once more.
“You need to shave...” I remonstrated, rubbing ruefully at my cheek.
“See what you've driven me to, woman?” the response was murmured against my hair, and I pressed closer into his arms, taking comfort from his proximity.
“Why does everything have to be so hard?” I sighed, eyes closed as we rested together.
“I think you must hold at least a little of the blame for that.”
“I really do not think--” I began, before the less than subtle press of his body against my own made me realise the true meaning of his words.
We remained where we were for quite some time, and it was only once the heat behind the heavy drapes became too stifling to bear that we with great reluctance quit our hiding place.
“You'll have to go now – if someone were to see you...”
“Come with me.” The repetition of his earlier plea was so earnestly put it was all I could do not to capitulate.
“Tomorrow.” I promised softly, accepting a kiss before pulling reluctantly away. “I promise.”
“Why not now?” it was a genuine question rather than a further attempt to convince me, and I hesitated a moment before replying.
“Because.” I paused again. “Just...because.”
To my surprise he nodded, and after a final kiss to my forehead, was gone as suddenly as he appeared. And now – now I must sleep, for I am truly exhausted by recent events and do not want to be late for our meeting in the morning!
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